Hollywood Apocalypse – We Write an Action Flick


We love 80’s action movies, so after rewatching some of our favourite flicks, we decided to come up a short treatment for an awesome action film. Enjoy the insanity.

Starring – Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Bruce Willis, Steven Seagal, Dolph Lundgren

Told from the viewpoint of Sylvester Stallone…

It all started with Dolph Lundgren, he had been acting weird all day. Unfortunately that was nothing unusual, so unbeknown to us, it came as quite a shock when he attacked Van Damme and bit his throat out before levering off the top of his spasming head and licking his brain pan clean.

Pandemonium ensued. People just run in whatever direction they happened to be facing. Schwarzenegger jumped up in a panic head butting his Lithuanian masseur, before throwing his newspaper up in the air and as the pages fluttered around the studio he run headfirst straight through the false wall.

Seagal I noticed was rolling like a sausage across the entire length of the huge room, hoping that he wouldn’t be noticed, while Statham locked himself in the port-a-loo. Jet Li nodded calmly as though he had foreseen it and it was no great surprise, while Willis was god knows where, late as usual.

There were more of them now. Not just the great lump of Lundgren snarling and biting anyone in his way but other less intimidating physical specimens. The studio was filling up with freaks and blood-suckers. It was at this moment that I reached for the industrial Flame Thrower previously held under heavy guard by the studio heavies…It was no time to discriminate against anyone, so I ignited it and flicked the switch, pulled heavy on the trigger and doused absolutely every fucker moving with a 30 foot streak of fire.

“Melt you beasts!” I screamed. They floundered in the flames ambling and screeching, bumping into one another. I noticed Danny Glover shuffling towards me, covered in fire and his skin dripping from his body. “Die Glover!” I unleashed the flame thrower straight at him till he dropped to the floor like a drunken tramp.

But this wasn’t good. Not good at all. They were everywhere, the more I put them down the more seemed to appear. I was the only one left and I was slowly being cornered with the approaching hordes descending upon me intent on biting my face off.

A voice – small and muffled. A harsh cockney accent “I can’t get out!” “Fucker’s stuck!” It was coming from the port-a-loo which was both on fire and being rocked back and forwards like a sleeping baby by the ravenous fiends.

“You don’t wanna come out. Trust me.” I shouted. “They have a hunger in them that makes John Candy look normal.”

I was having to bash the infected beasts with the butt end of the flamethrower, big meaty ‘thwacks’, chunks of flesh whittled off of snarling faces before there was a loud noise and I glanced over as the monsters jumped up and down on the now overturned port-a-loo. Statham didn’t sound happy, shrieking something from inside about ‘turds’.

Then they were on me, forcing me to the floor. My muscles were straining to keep their dripping jaws away from my flesh. Shit! I thought this was an easy gig. I am fuckin’ doomed!

There was an almighty crash and the wall exploded inwards. A catering van slammed through and scattered the zombie masses. The back doors flung open and automatic gunfire spewed out. I could see the whip-like action of a ponytail flicking this way and that, and realised that it was Seagal with an Uzi.

Schwarzenegger sat in the drivers seat chewing on a fat cigar. With one hand on the wheel he hefted a hydraulic nail gun out of the window and shot a zombie Philip Seymour Hoffman through the face.

Jet Li and Bruce Willis jumped out of the back and armed with nunchukus and an M134 Minigun respectively, made short work of the undead clambering on top of the port-a-loo before picking it up and, with straining faces, carrying it to the van. I saw my chance and made a run through the mass zombie hordes, elbowing and spitting in the face of anyone that got in my way and then threw myself headfirst into the open van. That was how we rolled round here, and just like that, the 6 of us accelerated from the Hollywood studio, smashed though a convenient water tank that exploded on impact and drove at high speed towards the sunset.